Ron Mexico: Answer your phone, it’s the Toronto Argonauts calling!

Michael Vick was arrested at an airport after security guards smelled a marijuana-like odour eminating from his water bottle. The bottle was found to have a secret compartment in it containing ”dark particulate with the pungent aroma closely associated with marijana.”

I wonder what was in there!

I don’t have a lot to say about this as far as morals, or his status as a role model or any of that stuff, because it’s not really a big deal to me anyway, and if that were the worst crime ever committed by an NFL player, the league would be in pretty good shape. All that piqued my initial interest in this story is that I just liked the “dark particulate…” phrasing. And I do not mean to say that pro athletes doing drugs isn’t a big deal, because I’m sure kids look up to them and all that, but what is really at the heart of this issue is how absolutely heroically stupid, and illogical this whole thing is!

I’m pretty sure Michael Vick makes a lot of money, and to my knowledge doesn’t vacation in Amish Country or at the Vatican. Could he not have just waited until he got wherever he was going, and BOUGHT some marijuana when he got there?! He went to at least some trouble in buying this marijuana, and obtaining – either by buying, or making – a water bottle with some sort of obviously crude secret compartment in it; which I can assume was for the express purpose of smuggling drugs – not for smuggling peanut butter, or sugar packets, or pumpkin seeds – smuggling drugs. If he was willing to go to all that trouble to smoke some pot, couldn’t he just go to a tiny bit more trouble and just find a drug dealer in whatever city he was going to, as soon as the plane landed? And despite the fact that every airport security checkpoint in North America has at least one sign posted, that says that ‘liquids and gels will not be allowed through security;’ he elected to try and hide his drugs in a WATER BOTTLE?!… Which brings me to another minute flaw in his planning with this brilliant drug smuggling operation: Water bottles are made of clear plastic. I make no claims of being an expert drug smuggler myself, and honestly would likely not know how to do it if I wanted to. However, I do have at least some fragments of knowledge on the subject that I have picked up through common sense, movies, and time spent on a college campus, and for any high-profile athletes who may be reading, here’s what I’ve come up with: if I’m going to try and smuggle drugs in a container of any kind, I will not do the following:

I firstly will not put my narcotics inside something that signs posted everywhere in the airport say I am not allowed to bring with me. Furthermore, I will not walk around the airport and attempt to go through security with that container in my hand, not concealed in any way. Thirdly, I will take all care necessary to ensure that neither that container, nor the airspace surrounding me distinctly and absolutely reeks of marijuana. And finally, I have hereby made a mental and blog-al note to myself and the world that if I fail in doing all of those things, and am walking around the airport carrying a very stinky container full of illegal drugs in my hand – I will at the very least ensure that the container with my drugs is not made of CLEAR PLASTIC!

I would like to give my heartfelt congratulations to someone, and give them some kind of ficticious award for being a moron. Deserving a candidate as Michael Vick may be, another strong nominee exists in the people running a fine educational institution at Virginia Tech. Because however idiotic Michael Vick may be; not only does he have a super secret water bottle full of pot; thanks to Virginia Tech’s commitment to excellence, he also has a college degree to fall back on if neither football nor drug smuggling work out. As such, the Vikingblog “Morons of the Millenium” prize must be shared by all of the parties responsible for helping make Michael Vick the scholar and the citizen he is today. Both a college graduate, and a multi-millionaire; despite apparently possessing as many brain cells as a hot pocket.

I don’t know exactly what Michael Vick was smoking when he thought he would get away with this. Nor do I know exactly what was in that water bottle. But I suspect the answer to both is “a dark particulate with the pungent aroma closely associated with marijuana.”

Vote or Die

So no posts in a while. I was away from hockey, and away from the computer. No, not in jail.

And it’s almost NHL All-Star Game time. The fans have made their choices, and some of them were the wrong pick (I like Jonathan Cheechoo and Brian Campbell, but there is no shortage of better candidates), but that’s democracy for you, and it’s the right of the fan to simply pick the big name, the guy they like, or the guy that plays for their team. The all-star ballot was once one of my favourite parts of attending first-half NHL games. I remember missing a lot of first periods of childhood trips to Maple Leaf Gardens because I spent the whole time with a stack of paper all-star ballots in front of me. A pen borrowed from my dad’s jacket pocket; repeatedly, carefully punching out the tiny holes beside the names of my favourite players. The concept of “one man, one vote” occurs to a young man at a later age – an age where those favourite players are either subject to slightly less god-like worship, or are retired with bad knees and have gone bald - at this age, you’d rather watch the game anyway, and your hands are too big to punch those little holes.

My dad always did a ballot too. Only one, and he did it between periods, because he was paying a little closer attention to the action than I. After the first period, the Leafs were losing (this was the Ballard years after all), he’d vote, and we’d compare ballots. My favourite was Ray Bourque, and the hole beside his name was always thoroughly punched out on each one of my ballots, and the little paper circle left carefully removed. It looked different than the other votes do when you vote for the same guys on as many ballots as you can, as fast as you can – only punched half way, or dimpled or hanging chad. The pen always went all the way through for the Ray Bourque vote, and it was always the first name I selected on the ballot, because he was the vote I was absolutely sure of. Punching that one out had an air of importance to it that perhaps Mario Lemieux’s name deserved more; but Mario would not get it from me. If the spots on an NHL All Star ballot were elections (which would have been a major step down in importance in my mind), the vote to play defense for the Wales conference was the vote for president of the United States, and all other positions were just city councillors or something. My dad always voted for Bourque too, but I still don’t know if that was just for me, or because of the possibility that he actually was the best defenseman in the league all those years. I didn’t care – the point was that he’d made the right choice, and most years, we helped put the right man in office. Ray Bourque was a first-team all star 13 times in his great career; and even if a couple of them were before I was born, I’d like to take a little credit for that.

As time marches on, unfortunately, so must my rituals surrounding the NHL All Star Game. There are no more games at Maple Leaf Gardens, and as such, no more trips there with my dad. They will no longer accept my votes for Ray Bourque, and I don’t think they have the stupid paper ballots anymore. If they do, Scotiabank place kept them well hidden, because I didn’t see any at any of the games I attended in the first half. Despite all of these changes; not only do I still somehow find life worth living, but I still also find all-star voting (now at nhl.com instead of at the arena) worthwhile. As such, here are the vikingblog picks for your 2006-07 NHL All-Stars!

Eastern Conference

Forwards (select 3)

Sidney Crosby – Pittsburgh -

Dany Heatley – Ottawa -

Alexander Ovechkin – Washington -

Defensemen (select 2)

Sheldon Souray – Montreal -

Dan Boyle – Tampa Bay –

Goaltender (select 1)

Martin Brodeur – New Jersey -

Western Conference

Forwards (select 3)

Teemu Selanne – Anaheim -

Jarome Iginla – Calgary -

Joe Thornton – San Jose -

Defensemen (select 2)

Scott Neidermayer – Anaheim -

Nicklas Lidstrom – Detroit –

Goaltender (select 1)

Miikka Kiprusoff- Calgary -

Honourable Mentions:

Yanic Perreault – Phoenix

Tom Preissing – Ottawa

Yutaka Fukufuji – Los Angeles

Evgeni Malkin – Pittsburgh

Rory Fitzpatrick – Vancouver

Also, I think they’re unveiling the new uniforms tomorrow. I’ll reserve comment on them until I see them, but I’ll wager I’ll have plenty to say.