Ron Mexico: Answer your phone, it’s the Toronto Argonauts calling!

Michael Vick was arrested at an airport after security guards smelled a marijuana-like odour eminating from his water bottle. The bottle was found to have a secret compartment in it containing ”dark particulate with the pungent aroma closely associated with marijana.”

I wonder what was in there!

I don’t have a lot to say about this as far as morals, or his status as a role model or any of that stuff, because it’s not really a big deal to me anyway, and if that were the worst crime ever committed by an NFL player, the league would be in pretty good shape. All that piqued my initial interest in this story is that I just liked the “dark particulate…” phrasing. And I do not mean to say that pro athletes doing drugs isn’t a big deal, because I’m sure kids look up to them and all that, but what is really at the heart of this issue is how absolutely heroically stupid, and illogical this whole thing is!

I’m pretty sure Michael Vick makes a lot of money, and to my knowledge doesn’t vacation in Amish Country or at the Vatican. Could he not have just waited until he got wherever he was going, and BOUGHT some marijuana when he got there?! He went to at least some trouble in buying this marijuana, and obtaining – either by buying, or making – a water bottle with some sort of obviously crude secret compartment in it; which I can assume was for the express purpose of smuggling drugs – not for smuggling peanut butter, or sugar packets, or pumpkin seeds – smuggling drugs. If he was willing to go to all that trouble to smoke some pot, couldn’t he just go to a tiny bit more trouble and just find a drug dealer in whatever city he was going to, as soon as the plane landed? And despite the fact that every airport security checkpoint in North America has at least one sign posted, that says that ‘liquids and gels will not be allowed through security;’ he elected to try and hide his drugs in a WATER BOTTLE?!… Which brings me to another minute flaw in his planning with this brilliant drug smuggling operation: Water bottles are made of clear plastic. I make no claims of being an expert drug smuggler myself, and honestly would likely not know how to do it if I wanted to. However, I do have at least some fragments of knowledge on the subject that I have picked up through common sense, movies, and time spent on a college campus, and for any high-profile athletes who may be reading, here’s what I’ve come up with: if I’m going to try and smuggle drugs in a container of any kind, I will not do the following:

I firstly will not put my narcotics inside something that signs posted everywhere in the airport say I am not allowed to bring with me. Furthermore, I will not walk around the airport and attempt to go through security with that container in my hand, not concealed in any way. Thirdly, I will take all care necessary to ensure that neither that container, nor the airspace surrounding me distinctly and absolutely reeks of marijuana. And finally, I have hereby made a mental and blog-al note to myself and the world that if I fail in doing all of those things, and am walking around the airport carrying a very stinky container full of illegal drugs in my hand – I will at the very least ensure that the container with my drugs is not made of CLEAR PLASTIC!

I would like to give my heartfelt congratulations to someone, and give them some kind of ficticious award for being a moron. Deserving a candidate as Michael Vick may be, another strong nominee exists in the people running a fine educational institution at Virginia Tech. Because however idiotic Michael Vick may be; not only does he have a super secret water bottle full of pot; thanks to Virginia Tech’s commitment to excellence, he also has a college degree to fall back on if neither football nor drug smuggling work out. As such, the Vikingblog “Morons of the Millenium” prize must be shared by all of the parties responsible for helping make Michael Vick the scholar and the citizen he is today. Both a college graduate, and a multi-millionaire; despite apparently possessing as many brain cells as a hot pocket.

I don’t know exactly what Michael Vick was smoking when he thought he would get away with this. Nor do I know exactly what was in that water bottle. But I suspect the answer to both is “a dark particulate with the pungent aroma closely associated with marijuana.”

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