I’ve hit the big time – I’m on ebay now!
Sunday April 6th, '08!
There’s five free listings this week for ebay.ca users. I have nothing worthwhile to sell, so I decided to sell the American League East Division Title instead. If you own the Boston Red Sox or New York Yankees, I’m looking at you to go to this auction right now, and ensure that I never have to work another day in my life!… I’m more than happy to accept bids from players as well… Throughout the division, there’s someone on every team with a vested interest in paying millions for this thing.
… Alex Rodriguez – put your bid in, and maybe the Yankee fans will like you! I bet they’d even build a statue of you out of their discarded, burnt Derek Jeter jerseys – come on, A-Rod, hook me up and buy that title! I promise I’ll be your friend!
… Manny Ramirez, this is a contract year for you, so you know how important it is to make a valuable contribution! If you single-handedly win the division, your contract will make Donald Trump and Bill Gates look like homeless people digging through the garbage for discarded pizza crust!
… A.J. Burnett, if you make the Blue Jays a division champion, no one will ever again say you’re a fragile, worthless piece of shit who will never amount to anything in baseball! (or at least I won’t say it anymore)
… Evan Longoria – I know you’re only making AAA money right now, but think of this as an investment – if you prove you can make a contribution like this, you’ll have shown you have something to offer to a baseball team. Which means you’ll be out of the Devil Rays organization in no time!
… Brian Roberts… I don’t know why you’d buy it, but now that Erik Bedard is gone, you’re the only player on the Orioles anyone’s ever heard of; and I’d just like to take this opportunity to remind everyone that you’re on steroids!
